So, No One Ever Told Me About THIS Part...

I've been thinking this week about all the girlfriends and family members I have who have experienced a miscarriage at some point in their lives.  There have been a lot of them.  After all, my doctor told me on Monday when he was comforting me with statistics that 15-25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.  It's not a highly unusual thing, but in all my years I only remember hearing stories relating to the tremendous emotional pain that accompanies a miscarriage.  At no time can I ever remember anyone telling me that trying to have a miscarriage on your own without the assistance of surgery is PAINFUL!!  I don't know why I never thought there would be much pain.  I especially figured the pain would be minimal since my baby was so tiny when I lost him or her.  Not so, my friend.  The cramping wasn't too bad between Sunday and Tuesday but Wednesday morning at work I was only moderately functional.  I even tried lying down for a while with no relief.  What seemed to work best was keeping the Ibuprofen flowing and sitting at my desk with a firm pillow pressed against my abdomen.  Yesterday was a repeat of the same except I was at home and decided I would still try to put away laundry, sort laundry, start a new load, etc.  This resulted in me being light-headed and faint.  I did have the wherewithal to call Lindy and let him know.  It was really just a courtesy call since I was caring for our child and wanted him to know in case I did, in fact, faint and left Gavin there to fend for himself.

That phone call was the beginning of the ending to my insistence that I could carry on with business as usual--miscarriage or not.  He insisted that I call the doctor and let him know how I was feeling.  While I was waiting to hear back from the doctor my mother just so happens to call while I'm lying down trying to get over being lightheaded.  When she found out my condition and that I was trying to do laundry and had errands to run later, she read me the riot act as only a mother can.  "Robin, you are not fine.  You are losing a BABY and you can't carry on as if nothing is happening!!  You are not going to work tomorrow.  If I have to have Lindy tie you down you are not running errands, going to work or anything else."  Of course, that phone call ended and the next call was from Lindy.  "Robin, you are not going to work tomorrow!"  Me:  "Did my mother just call you?"  Yes, of course she did and they had the same discussion they have regarding me about every six months or so.  I'm stubborn, no one can talk any sense into me, I'm going to do what I want to do regardless of what anyone else says, etc. etc. etc.  You get the idea.  Not long after that my doctor's office calls and he's insisting that I come in and be checked out to see if I have passed the baby yet.  My first instinct was that I could drive myself, but having just been read the riot act by the two people who have the most impact, I called Lindy and told him he was going to have to drive me.  I didn't think he wanted me driving myself and I was right.  So, we go to the doctor and find that I have not yet passed the baby in spite of all the pain and other symptoms.  He told me one of two things would happen this weekend.  I would cramp terribly, have other symptoms and call begging for a D&C or I would cramp terribly, have other symptoms and pass the baby.  I told him the Ibuprofen wasn't cutting it and I needed something stronger.  He gave me some Vicodin.

So, I let my boss, Carrie, know that I wouldn't be in today; and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she received a call from either Lindy or my Mom or both telling her that I was not allowed to come to work today.  Maybe you're wondering why I'm so stubborn about going to work and continuing on with business as usual.  I do recognize that life does go on without me and I know Cheryl and Tracie are more than capable without me there (yes, I do believe that, girls) but I felt there were things that really required my attention this week.  I needed to write an Action Plan and get our ship turned in the right direction, but our whole team has just as much ownership and capability as I do.  I just have an overreaching sense of responsibility and accountability and don't ever want to slack off or seem like I need special treatment.  I do not like drama in my life and prefer when I can just pretend that everything is OK and continue on with all of my responsibilities at home and at work.  I also do not like using my PDO (paid days off) for illness instead of vacation.  This really sounds loo loo when I tell you that I'm maxed out on my PDO and I need to use some so that I can continue accruing.  I know, I know....  I'm so crazy about this that two years ago in May, when I had the worst case of bilateral pink eye you've ever seen, I called Tracie to ask her to bring me to work.   I couldn't open my eyes to the sunlight so I couldn't drive but I thought if I could just get there I could still work with my blinds closed, lights off, and sunglasses on.  She told me I had lost my mind, she was not coming to get me, and she shouted at me, "Stay home!!  You are staying home!  I'm not coming to get you."  Thanks, Tracie, I needed the voice of reality because, obviously, I wasn't listening to my husband who had already refused to take me to work.

It made me crazy yesterday that I didn't get to the grocery store or any other errands.  Sunday is Easter, after all!!  I hadn't told Lindy yet that I was planning on cooking for his family on Sunday and had planned to get a ham and everything to go with it.  Once he found out that was part of my agenda in my attempt to carry on with life as normal, he absolutely said I could not to do it.

Today, Friday, I find myself sitting up in my bed typing on Lindy's laptop--still in my jammies, not allowed to carry laundry, put away laundry or go anywhere.  Lindy went to the grocery store.  Pray that he doesn't come back with crazy stuff--mainly fancy cheese and crackers.  That's the kind of food he likes to buy.  If you're wondering if the Vicodin helped out with the cramps this morning, it really didn't. Took the edge off, maybe.  But, I was still in bed for hours with my hot pack and trying to distract myself by reading.  This was after I was out of bed paying bills on my iPad, de-cluttering the kitchen, giving Gavin a breathing treatment....  Did I mention that Lindy had to take Gavin to the ER last night at around 10:45 because he was having retractions and couldn't catch his breath with all the coughing?  Oh, yeah.  That's going on too.  When it rains, it pours around here.  He has allergies that can turn into bronchospasms, and when the breathing treatments weren't working last night and I knew he needed Prednisone, our only option was the ER.

Just another week in the life of the Carnetts.  We'll get through it.  We have our risen Savior, prescription medicine, and each other.  :)  All will turn out fine.  I'm hopeful that by Sunday morning I'll be OK.  If you think my life doesn't stop during the week, it really doesn't stop on Sunday and it's Resurrection Sunday.  I don't have time for the pain.  (I think that's a song).  Unfortunately, it seems my cramping is holding to the morning hours and after it resolves--if I don't overdo it--the cramps go away.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter, and you all remember that Jesus is the Reason for this Season too.