National Lampoon's Staff Retreat

Well, Dawn said it.  I didn't.  This morning she said our Staff Retreat was turning into "National Lampoon's Staff Retreat."  You're not going to get that reference at all if you haven't seen any of the Chevy Chase vacation movies.  Hilarious, and if you're a child of the 80s it's really a rite of passage.  If you're wondering why I haven't written about my vacation to Destin yet, it's because I've been entirely too busy since returning from that vacation and, honestly, this 2 1/2 day church staff retreat was packed with more hilarity than the whole week in Florida.  Not that our vacation to Florida wasn't fun, but when you get four pastors and their wives together--who haven't had much time for togetherness fun lately--hilarity is bound to ensue.  I will write about Destin, but I have to get this out while I am still feeling all of the bruises and body aches from our Staff Retreat.  It was a retreat, and retreat we did.

I developed a tentative agenda for the three days and it turns out that we should have stuck to my agenda and just completely removed the tentative part.  That's where we got a little off course, this morning, that is.  We stayed in a beautiful, and I mean beautiful, condo at Lake of the Ozarks, compliments of one friend and borrowed a boat, a jet ski, and a wave runner compliments of another friend.  We were set.  We arrived Thursday before lunch time and we unpacked and relaxed a little bit before going to lunch at a fabulous Mexican restaurant.  We were pretty much sticking to my agenda at that point.  After lunch we ventured on over to the outlet mall and shopped to our hearts' content.  Lindy and Nathan left at some point to drive to get the boat and bring it back to the condo.  Nathan drove the van to pick us up at the mall and Lindy drove the boat, via the lake, back to the condo.  Wonderful plan.  Everything's going swimmingly so far.  Three of the boys had a fabulous time skiing for their women where we could see them outside the deck of the condo.  It was like they were young boys trying to impress their girls in their boat, on their skis, and on the wave runners while us womenfolk cooked their dinner.  Us womenfolk made lasagna together and then we all had our first "strategery" session.  This was the term Lindy wanted to use for vision-casting/strategizing/planning sessions.  I had written a strategery session into the agenda for Thursday night and so strategerize we did.  We had a wonderful discussion with lots of input, enthusiasm, and insight.  So far so good.

Friday was scheduled to be a day on the lake.  Three of us couples went out early on the boat to go back to our other friend's house to retrieve his jet ski and wave runner.  Couple #4, Gene and Beth, opted to avoid possible injury and seasickness and stay back at the condo.  Here's where it starts to get a little dicey.  It was supposed to be just a little 30-40 minute jaunt in the boat over to get the other machines.  It felt like it took a little longer but we made it.  Upon picking up the machines, Nathan and Dawn climbed onto the 3-person Yamaha and I climbed onto the back of the two-person Kawasaki.  All is well, right?  Noooooo.  Lindy climbs on to the Kawasaki and within 15 seconds we were in the water.  We hadn't even left the dock yet.  Somehow we became "unbalanced" and over we went.  I would have had a chance of remaining upright if I hadn't been holding on to him.  First mistake.  Then, I had a time and a half getting back up on the dock because there was ickiness on the underneath side of the dock which I ended up touching.  Yuck!!  I was also trying not to get my hair too wet at this point and was desperately hanging onto my sunglasses.  I was able to crawl up the lift that holds up the jet skis and Russell gave me a hand up on to the dock.  (Sidebar:  Have you ever seen the old episode of Seinfeld where they talk about the difference between "good naked" and "ugly naked?"  Well, I wasn't naked but this picture of me trying to crawl and hoist myself up onto the dock was definitely ugly swimwear.)  At this point I have left behind any visions of Lindy and me riding this Kawasaki together.  I opted to climb onto the back of Nathan and Dawn's wave runner.  Here's a picture of the three of us and Lindy on the Kawasaki.  Russell and Deanna were driving the boat.

  

Dawn made a very astute observation while we were riding behind Nathan.  She said, "When you've got two women in their late 30s behind you on a wave runner they are holding on for dear life and nagging the poor guy to slow down.  Fifteen years ago Nathan would have had some young chick behind him saying "Woo hoo!!  Go faster!""  That's the difference between being young and unencumbered and older with more miles on you and children at home who expect you to return to them in the same shape you left.

I noticed something about my increasing level of fright with riding on a three-person wave runner that goes from 0-60 in like 4 seconds.  It can be measured by where I am holding on with my hands.  I started out with my hands behind me holding on to the little bar behind me.  Nope, not safe enough.  Then I moved to putting my hands on Dawn's life jacket.  Nope, still not safe enough.  Then, I progressed from one hand on Dawn and one hand on Nathan's life jacket.  Nope, still not safe enough.  Then, I progressed from both hands on Nathan's life jacket.  Nope, stilllllll not safe enough.  As I came to the end of my journey on the wave runner I was holding on to Dawn's wrists and Nathan's life jacket at the same time with both hands.  I was also leaning into Dawn like she was the very petite ham in our sandwich.  Between screams I told her I would apologize to her later.  It's hard to see in the picture, but if you zoom in on it you can detect that I am in the last stage of wave runner fright before climbing back in the boat.

We switched off some but Nathan and Dawn pretty well rode the wave runner all the way back to the condo and Russell took over for Lindy on the Kawasaki.  They both had sore rear ends by the time we got back to eat brunch and collect Gene and Beth.  We were supposed to be back for breakfast, but the Kawasaki basically ran out of gas right as we found a gas station--that we spent time looking for--so we had brunch instead.  We talked Gene and Beth into going out on the boat with us and we headed to a cove with two Yamaha wave runners and the Kawasaki left behind.  Here's where the real action starts to take place.  We parked in a cove which turned out to be a little rough so we decided to go to a different cove.  Dawn and I decided to ride on the tube from one cove to the other.  At this point I didn't realize that life jackets were required while on the tube and neither Dawn nor I were wearing one.  All was well while we were going and Nathan was taking it very easy for the sake of Gene and Beth.  No problem.  The problem came when he decelerated and the front of tube dipped and took on water.  There wasn't much hope for Dawn or me.  We flipped right off into the water like we were little feathers.  My immediate thought was "Don't lose your sunglasses!!!"  I didn't.  I grabbed them quickly.  My second thought was, "I'll be OK, I'm wearing a life jacket."  Except I had forgotten that I wasn't.  I still floated to the top, and I'm a pretty good swimmer, so once I coughed out all the water I had sucked down I was fine.  Thankfully, around this same time Deanna and Russell had flipped off of one of the wave runners and it was Lindy who came to my rescue on the other wave runner.  Apparently, I had managed not to lose my sunglasses but I had lost the proper placement of the top of my swimsuit when I took the nose dive off the front of the tube.  Yeah, and remember I'm not wearing a life jacket.  I'll spare you the words he used, but he let me know in only the way a husband can tell his wife.  I managed to climb onto the back of the wave runner without much of an issue.  I was pretty much OK except a little sore.  Dawn managed to hoist herself back onto the tube and ride the rest of the way to the other cove.  Once at the other cove we had a lovely time just floating in the water.  Gene made it into the water for a little bit and he managed to throw Nathan's sunglasses to him but missed him by several feet.  Bye bye to Nathan's sunglasses.  Beth did really well.  She's frightened of water but did enjoy dangling her feet off the back of the boat with her life jacket on.  I pretty much stayed away from the trees, snakes you know, that might fall from trees.  Always thinking, I am.  Deanna and Beth didn't appreciate me mentioning snakes.

We are pretty much unscathed at this point and doing OK.  Dawn and I decide to give it another whirl on the tube, this time with life jackets on and behind Lindy on the wave runner.  Climbing on to the tube is honestly another example of ugly swimwear.  It's just not pretty.  Now I have to say that I've never ridden a tube behind a wave runner that goes from 0-60 in like 4 seconds so that was a new experience.  For the first minute or so it was a lot of fun, but if you know Lindy you know that nothing's fun unless you are going at full throttle.  Dawn and I were squealing and laughing and just having a great time and I'm beginning to wish I'd left my sunglasses behind on the boat.  I'm not sure if this was the first little bit of bad judgment on my part or about the 16th, but anyway I was thinking it.  We were going so fast and sliding quickly off of the tube even though we were trying mightily to hang on.  He slowed a little bit but couldn't hear us yelling for him to stop--or maybe he thought we were yelling for him to go faster--but anyway, before I could hoist myself further up onto the tube I lost grip with one of my hands.  Then, I'm traveling along at mach speed holding on with one hand.  Not working.  I eventually have to let go which resulted in Dawn becoming unbalanced and she flipped off the other side.  Let me just say that Dawn has a gnarly bruise on her left forearm from when she hit the water and I'm still finding bruises on my body.  Was my first thought as I made the decision to let go of my sunglasses?  No.  Was it the possibility of displacing the top of my swimsuit?  No.  It was "Dear God, don't let me die on the lake!!"  I rolled over a few times in the water and when I finally came up it was instant pain in my neck and back and I had the air knocked out of me.  Thank the Lord I could move my arms and legs and realized I had not suffered serious injury.  I was more than thankful that I was just really sore.  When Lindy approached, he checked out the swimsuit situation--he's a guy you know--and all was well.  Then he asked if I had lost my sunglasses.  Alas, I had finally lost my cute, black sunglasses with rhinestone flip flops on the ear pieces.  They were only $7.00 but they were cute.  They were the last of my concern after avoiding sudden death or life-threatening injury.  I made my way on to the back of the wave runner again and Dawn got back on the tube--on her back this time--for more punishment.  My tubing time was over.

As far as other boat excitement, Deanna and I were sitting in the front of the boat when we were going fast enough over some waves to catch air and sustain bruises.  Mine is on my right forearm, hers is on her left.  I also landed hard enough on my tailbone that I had an immediate headache.  See, we had so much fun!!!  Honestly, it was a riot.  Beth kindly loaned me her heating pad Friday night and several of us sat around popping Ibuprofen.  Being in your mid-30s and up is a different experience at the lake than being young college kids.  Deanna feels like her spine is out of alignment; Russell has a sore bum;  Nathan, Dawn, Lindy, and me have mild to moderate sunburn; Lindy is sore all over.  Gene and Beth had the pleasure of sitting around with all of us younger people moaning and complaining about our injuries but in the next breath confirming that we were having the time of our lives.

I also sustained a laceration on my right hand when trying to put on the skis near the end of the day yesterday.  I tried three times and didn't get up, but I'm attributing it to the rockiness of the lake at the end of the day and the soreness of my body from the beating my body had already taken.  It definitely wasn't because I'm turning 39 tomorrow.  Dawn couldn't get up either and she's younger than me.

We had a lovely grilled dinner and didn't play any games as was scheduled on the tentative agenda.  We watched a Chonda Pierce DVD and played on our individual electronics.

This morning we really veered from the agenda and this was where it all began to go south.  We were supposed to have another strategery session this morning.  Some of us were up early, some of us slept later--like 7:30.  The early birds went out on one of the wave runners--Nathan and Dawn to be exact--and Lindy followed them out a little while later on the other wave runner.  They were doing just fine until right before they were returning to the condo.  They went in a little cove and Nathan took on some rocks into the prop of the one he was riding.  Very looooooong story short, what was supposed to be a little early morning run on the water turned out to be an ordeal.  They managed to pull it back to the dock and they tried to work on it to no avail.  They called the very, very nice owner who happens to live near all of us in St. Peters and he said, "No problem.  I'll just drive to the lake and we can take it to the Yamaha dealer to be fixed."  Yea for extended warranty!!  So, while Lindy and Nathan were working on the wave runner the rest of us were getting the condo back into tip-top shape.  As Russell and Dawn opened the door to the A/C closet to put some folding chairs back they noticed that an enormous plastic bin in said closet was full to overflowing with water that had been dripping from the A/C the whole time we were there.  It was while Russell and Dawn were hauling pitcher after pitcher of water out of the bin to the sink when Dawn said, "This is turning into 'National Lampoon's Staff Retreat.'"  No truer words were uttered the whole trip.  Dawn had already been told by her husband that she needed to call in for work that evening.  She was scheduled to be at work in St. Peters at 5:00.  Our agenda had us arriving back in St. Peters at 4:00.  It was not to be.  Russell and Deanna also had a son who was to be picked up at the St. Louis airport at 5:20.  Deanna was emphatic that she would not be late to pick up her son who she hadn't seen for two weeks.  She wasn't "angry" emphatic--just "I haven't seen my son in 2 weeks" emphatic.  Dawn and I knew that it was best if neither of us made an appearance at the dock to discuss Plans B, C, or D with our husbands.  They were bound to already be frustrated and didn't need the little women getting in the middle of things.  I convinced Dawn to call Nathan on his cell phone to suggest an alternate plan to getting us all back home in a more timely manner.  She got his voice mail and her message started like this, "Robin suggested that I call you and...."  Thanks, Dawn.  She was probably right about them not getting as upset if it comes from the other one's wife.  Fortunately for me, my husband had left his cell phone in the condo so Nathan was our only option.

Finally, it was decided that Lindy would drive the Kawasaki while Russell and Deanna drove the boat while hauling the injured Yamaha to a marina where Nathan would wait for owner of said Yamaha to arrive.  I know it's a run-on sentence but that was the only way to get it out.  The rest of us rode in the van to our friend's house to pick up the boaters.  The impact they didn't realize would be so significant was all the traffic on the lake for "Aquapallooza"--an all-day family concert that everyone and their cousin was traveling to on the lake.  They were going the opposite direction and encountered much, much choppiness on the water.  By the time the van riders made a pit stop at the outlet mall and to our friend's house where you could bury a body in the woods and no one would be the wiser the boaters were pulling up to the dock.  Perfect timing.  It was the only perfect thing that happened all day.  They were sunburned, bruised, and beat to death after riding on that water for what turned out to be more than an hour's journey.  We hauled our injured selves into the van and said to Gene, "Home, friend.  Take us home."  After a pit stop at McDonald's where Deanna reported a worker who left the bathroom without washing her hands, we finally made it back at around 5:20.  Not in enough time for Dawn to make it to work on time and not in enough time for Russell and Deanna to collect their teenager at the airport when he landed; but we made it back in one piece, sort of.  I'm using the words one piece loosely.

All in all, we agreed it was the most fun we have all had in a long time.  Part of the reason I had trouble hoisting my ugly swimwear self on to the dock when Lindy unbalanced us was because I was laughing so hard.  The whole three days was like that.  Every bruise, burn, laceration, and sore muscle was more than worth it and we hope to do it again someday--if our generous friends haven't written us off after reading this post.  I told the group, minus Nathan, on the way back that I was going to blog about it and I asked if there were any stories I wasn't allowed to tell.  They gave me free literary license.  Sorry, Nathan, you'll just have to deal with it.  Thanks to the best church staff anywhere for a memorable retreat.  We'll be planning a strategery session soon since we left our agenda in the dust, but hopefully it won't be blog-worthy.  Here's a few more pics to document our experience.

This must have been near the beginning of the day.  I look pretty much unscathed.  Nathan is driving the boat and "Vacation Lindy" is sitting in the front.  This is what I call Lindy when he lets himself cut loose on vacation.  It's a variation from "Pastor Lindy" that's a little more carefree.  He told me he wasn't sure if he could be "Vacation Lindy" on a staff retreat but I told him he could at least be "Retreat Lindy."  In the end, all of the happenings resulted in "Vacation Lindy" making an appearance--as evidenced by his chatty, story-telling self on the way home.
"Vacation Lindy" is my favorite Lindy.

Dawn and Deanna--windblown and fabulous

39 tomorrow, baby, and I still got it

Russell on the Kawasaki--soon to walk away with a sore bum

Russell skiing--first time since he and Deanna have been married

Gene and Beth--quietly agreeing that they were the smart ones who stuck to the boat or floating in the water