The Transparent Post I've Been Avoiding...TheTruth About The Dizzy Blonde

I know I mentioned when I started this blog that I didn't really know what I would write about, how often I would post, or what direction it would take.  It's been nearly two weeks since I've posted and my personal goal has been to have something of value (of course value is relative) to post about once a week.  I haven't posted because I've been trying to come up with something different than this to write about.  I've been rolling over ideas in my mind and I've used busyness as an excuse to avoid writing anything as personal and transparent as this.

You see, I would rather come up with something funny to write about and possibly add in some sort of redeeming take-away.  I would rather not let people see that the person they might view as having it "all figured out" really doesn't; and in fact, struggles with some of the same issues.  I would rather be the strong one who people go to for advice, counsel, or prayer.  I would rather not appear as if I might have a chink in this self-imposed armor that I carry around.  Yet, at the end of the day I know I'm human and I don't have all the answers.  I just know the One who does and I choose to put every ounce of my faith and trust in Him, even when I don't understand.

My personal struggle at this moment is an inner ear issue that I've dealt with for the last three years.  It's a very long story, and if you haven't personally been with me on this journey during this time, then I'm not going to bore you with the details.  Basically I've had sounds and ringing in my left ear for the last three years and over the last year I've experienced varying degrees of dizziness and problems with my equilibrium.  When I say "varying degrees" that's a nice way of saying anywhere from a mild unsteadiness where I feel kind of "off-kilter" to lying motionless on the bed, couch, or floor--honestly, I'll take whatever's available at the moment--trying not to toss my cookies.  The worst degree is me actually tossing my cookies, and if you know me well, you know I'd be a horrible bulimic because I absolutely hate throwing up.  The most frustrating and challenging part of my equilibrium problem is that it is mostly unpredictable.  Most of the time the noise in my ear gets louder and the quality changes prior to one of these attacks.  Sometimes it can come on suddenly and when it starts I don't always know what degree of attack it's going to be.  I have now been to a total of 8 doctors--the last one being a neurotologist--and he is so specialized that a lot of physicians haven't even heard of this sub-speciality.  He's a cross between a neurologist and an ENT and I've chosen to refer to him as my "fancy doctor."  You see, you can make anything in life light-hearted if you try hard enough.  :)  If you're one of my nursing colleagues you've surely diagnosed me by now and it's true that everything has been ruled out except for Meniere's Disease.  Here's the tricky part.  I refuse to accept that diagnosis.  I'm not whacky enough to deny that I experience these symptoms, but I am just crazy enough to believe that I'm going to overcome this and I refuse to say that I have it.

You might wonder what has brought about this sudden transparency and my decision to blog about this issue at this time and I truly think it's because I felt like I was reaching a breaking point last Sunday.  I had been to see my fancy doctor on  the previous Thursday and he wanted me back on the diuretic--which I had tried before without much change in the dizziness--and he wanted me to start on Valium.  Now, I'm a nurse and I know that Valium is a useful medication that can be very helpful in some instances, but I don't want to live in a medicated state.  I honestly felt a little hopeless sitting there in his office.  It's really disheartening when the diagnosis the fancy doctor wants to give you is the same one the less fancy doctors have given you and it has no known cause and no known cure.  At the same time I'm conflicted on the inside because I'm thinking of others around me who are inconvenienced when I'm incapacitated lying on the floor--my husband, my kids, my mother-in-law, my wonderful co-workers; and I feel like I owe it to them to try what the fancy doctor says to do.

Have you ever had something going on in your life where you feel like you would just prefer to go crawl in a hole and hide?  I'm sure I'm not alone in this.  Crawling in a hole and hiding feels like a plausible option for me sometimes.  Then I could just avoid it and pretend it doesn't exist.  Of course, me--being me--then feels guilty because while I'm in the hole then I'm only inconveniencing those around me even more because I'm not there to do all the things I'm supposed to do.

So, fast forward from nine days ago to last Sunday.  I honestly was just feeling pretty hopeless.  Before Lindy even started preaching I was already crying--and I'm not really a cryer.  Whether it's at church or anywhere else it takes a lot to make me cry.  What does he preach on?  (Keep in mind that I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've known what he's going to preach before I hear it myself).  Depression.  Depression!!  That's what he preached about.  I sat through his whole sermon just trying to not fall apart.  When he gave the altar call at the end I brought my blubbering self forward and stood with the others for prayer.  I sobbed and just emptied myself of all the heartache and feelings of hopelessness I've been carrying around.  I wish I had his notes handy so I could let you read what he preached but you can listen to the podcast at www.stpetersassembly.com if you're curious.

This is the first time I've really allowed myself to feel everything that I've been holding inside regarding this issue with my ear.  I typically just go about my business and believe that I am going to eventually be healed of this thing.  In fact, I speak it over myself every day because I believe so much in the power of our words.  I not only speak out Scriptures, but I also tell myself that I have perfect hearing, perfect balance and equilibrium, and that I will accept nothing less than my ear being restored to the way it was created.  Is God big enough to do that?  Yes.  Does he really care about this issue that might seem minor in comparison to the struggles others face?  Absolutely.  Even given all of that, I still get discouraged and I felt like I wasn't yet in a state of depression but I could very easily get there.  I've been prayed for too many times to count that I would be healed from this inner ear issue and I haven't realized it in its fullness yet.  That doesn't mean I'm giving up.  If I have a day with no dizziness I give thanks to God at night for a day free from it.  If I have a bad day where I'm down for the count, I still tell him I trust Him and that I'm believing for a day free from dizziness the next day.

I guess another reason I'm choosing to open up my heart and share about this right now is that I've had two situations in the past week where I was sought out for a shoulder to lean on.  In the most recent one my friend, who doesn't go to church and I know doesn't feel like she's on the same level as me spiritually, said she was telling me about her situation because she knows I have a "direct line to God" and she was really in need of comfort and peace.  I took this opportunity to explain to her that God does not see any one person as better than another.  He hears her prayers just like He hears mine and that He has known her since before she was created.  I prayed that through this situation He would make Himself real to her and meet her need.

Another reason that I sometimes feel conflicted inside is that since I work in hospice I know the worst of the worst that people can experience in their physical bodies.  I sometimes feel guilty for even complaining about my little inner ear issue when there's a mother my age out there battling terminal cancer and trying to find the words to say good bye to her family.  Really, it seems so selfish of me.  Yet, then I remember that nothing is ever too big or small for God.  We will never understand why some people are healed and some are not, and honestly I've given up trying to understand.  At the end of the day I accept that God's ways are much higher than my ways and His ultimate goal is that none should perish and all would accept His Son and eternal life.  If my struggle can somehow speak to someone else's situation and draw them closer to God, then it's all worth it in the end.  I won't give up believing that my body is going to be restored, but until then I'll trust that He knows the beginning and the ending.

If you're wondering if I started the Valium; no, I haven't.  I have started the diuretic and I haven't had a true equilibrium issue for five days.  It's hard to tell if that means I'm really better because I've gone six weeks or longer and not had any issues.  Other times I'll be puking two days in a row.  Crazy, isn't it?  Thankfully, in all of this, the love language my husband and I share is humor with a large dose of sarcasm thrown in.  On days that I tell him I can't hear too well (my hearing is impaired when the ringing is loud) his immediate response is "What did you say?"  Ha ha.  The day last fall that he had to come get me from work and I was on the floor of my office wearing a skirt and my knee-high boots puking in a Schnucks bag he said, "How can you be so hot and still be so sick?"  Ha ha again.  I'm thankful he's been my rock through this and I'm thankful for a family who never gives up praying for me.  Mom, I don't think it really matters to God who we are in His kingdom.  His ultimate purpose will always prevail.  Nevertheless, I'll never let go of James 5:16.

I hope if you are facing something that seems insurmountable that you will turn to God and give it to Him.  He's always there.  Just know that He loves you and listen for that still, small voice to give you encouragement.  He's our faithful friend.