Sometimes starting again is the hardest part after distancing yourself from something for so long. So it is with my blog. I started my blog almost three years ago and I haven't always been consistent with it but the last six months is the longest dry spell I've had so far.
I was talking with a co-worker today about how it seems that when you are grieving or you've experienced something traumatic sometimes you can keep people and difficult conversations and tough topics at arm's length. It's like you can only take on so much sadness at once or so much stress at once. You kind of put up a wall and sort of let things bounce off of you rather than sticking to you and weighing you down more. I know that's a lot of metaphors to take in but that's my thought process right now. If you're my friend in real life and you feel I've held you at arm's length, I apologize. I've pretty much been in survival mode but I'm slowly coming back. Slowly. Baby steps.
So, this is a baby step back to blogging. Something I really enjoy but have at times felt too raw or transparent to share anything and at times I have not felt at all like being funny. As I soooooo am, most of the time.
My three sons are back in pocket now after spending most of the summer at camp or at my Mom's house. (Honestly, it's just hard even saying or typing "my Mom's house" when it's always been "my parents' house"). They have each gotten to spend some time with my brother too which I think is just an awesome dynamic for my boys to get to be around the person who I learned the most about boys growing up. They are each like him in some ways and not like him in some ways. But, with each of them you really have to look for love in all the right places. I'm only going to point out a couple so that I don't get overwhelmed in my baby steps back to blogging.
The last time my Mom came to visit she brought me food. That might seem odd unless you knew my Dad. You see, she has more food at her house than one, or two, people could ever eat. We found out after my Dad died that he had been spending more than $400 a month buying groceries in bulk. If you needed he had it, and he's given lots and lots of food away. Now, every time my Mom comes to visit she still brings food. The last time she came there was a lone can of tamales in the mix. I was kind of surprised and asked her about it. She said, "Your brother insisted I bring that for you. He said you love canned tamales." (Now this is true, but I have resisted canned tamales for a long time because of obvious reasons--fat and calories). Still, I was touched that he remembered. We haven't really lived in the same house for more than 20 years and he still remembered that I loved canned tamales. That may not be an obvious sign of where to look for love, but if you knew my brother, that can of tamales spoke volumes to me. Now, it sits in my pantry and I think of him every time I look at it. If he reads this he will be rolling his eyes at that.
Ethan, my 11-year-old, is similar in that you really have to look for his love in the right places. He begrudgingly lets me hug and kiss him but when I'm really looking for love from him I can find it. When Ethan and Gavin are in the car with me, mostly on Sunday morning, I let them be the DJ. We have Bluetooth and I give them my iPhone and let them take turns picking songs. Ethan invariably will pick songs he knows that I like and he will get on to Gavin if Gavin picks songs that he knows that I don't like. That is love. It may not seem like much, but from an 11-year-old, that is love in a song for his Mom.
Well, there you have it. One baby step to end a dry spell. Enjoy, and don't forget to look for love in all the right places.
Love to all,
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