Swimsuit Fashion

No clever, catchy title for this blog post--it is what it is--a blog post on Swimsuit Fashion.  Before you go scrolling to the bottom of this post to catch glimpses of myself, my friends, or perfect strangers donning their swimwear, save your fingers the trouble.  My clever, catchy writing will have to serve as substitute for  digital images.  Trust me, I have plenty of pictures stored in my hard drive; I just know that unlike the phrase "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas" there's another sentiment known as, "Pictures on a Blog Do Not Necessarily Stay Nestled Securely on Said Blog."  I'm protecting you, my dear friends who have posed in pics with swimsuits on; nameless, topless women at the topless beaches of St. Maarten; and dear, old lady who chose to wear a white support bra under her red tank suit.  (More on her later).

All women I know, since I'm not friends with any super models, have a hate-hate relationship with swimsuits.  This is a shared phenomenon in Western culture.  This was clearly illustrated for me earlier on in the summer.  I was swimsuit shopping with Gavin in tow (he's five) and we were in Macy's...or was it Dillard's?  It doesn't really matter.  While I was browsing I was chatting on my cell phone with my Mom who had also been shopping for swimsuits.  (We were going on a beach vacation together, memorialized in my last blog post; and so, obviously, we had to shop for swimsuits).  Even if you have a swimsuit, or two, or three at home; you still have to shop.  You might just come across that one elusive, perfect suit that is better than any other that you currently own.  While I was on the phone Gavin was carrying on about how he didn't want to shop for swimsuits.  What five-year-old boy does?  When I hung up the phone a lady browsing the racks nearby said very astutely, "If he only understood that this is much more painful for us than it is for him."  So true, kind stranger, so true.

I've had many, many swimsuits throughout my years in a plethora of styles, patterns, and cuts.  There's a not-very-clear picture of me in my baby book from when I was about five.  Apparently, I had a bikini that year and had tanned so dark that my Mom took my picture, sans swimsuit, and it appears that I was actually wearing a suit.  I was not.  As a grammar school child my grandmother typically bought my cousin, Ellen, and me matching suits.  We were really cute and we spent lots of time at the long-since-closed water slide in New Iberia, LA.  My friend, Rhonda, and I had matching red and white striped swimsuits one year and we thought it was really cool that we ended up with striped tans.

I don't remember a battle over swimsuits with my mother when I was growing up.  Maybe we did, and I don't remember.  I was never allowed to wear anything too revealing and, now, as a mother of boys, I have compassion for my friends who are mothers of girls and have to do the dreaded swimsuit shopping with them.  Most of my close friends have the type of girls who have very wisely chosen modesty over immodesty.  I'll keep my comments brief regarding this, since I don't have girls, but if you want my true opinion on this, then you can refer back to my blog post on Fashion Advice  and refer to the last tip at the end of the post.  It's just as true for swimsuit fashion as it is for clothing fashion.  Let me just say that as a mother of a pre-teen boy and two others who are close behind, I applaud those Moms who invoke a sense of modesty for their young girls.

I have made some interesting swimsuit choices over time.  Once, when I was in college and traveled with a boyfriend to meet his family, I bought a new suit because we were going to the beach.  Unfortunately, the suit I picked was one where I had to squeeze out the padded top every time I emerged from the water.  Nice, and impressive, I'm sure.  Fortunately, we weren't with his family at the beach.  That was a cute suit.  If I remember right, it was a fruit pattern with a yellow background.  It was so 1993.

I tend to hold on to swimsuits and not let go of them until they just completely wear out.  I probably have 8-10 right now, but before your chin drops to the floor, you must know that the oldest of those suits is probably 15 years old.  It's a cute, skirted navy blue one piece that isn't maternity but I owned before I had kids and then wore during pregnancy.  For whatever reason, it's a favorite of Lindy's so I can't bring myself to part with it, even though I haven't worn it in years.  I know--weird, sentimental value in a swimsuit.  Likewise, for my lime green floral one piece suit with matching short sarong cover-up.  It was Nana's (Lindy's late grandmother) favorite and every time I would wear a different suit she would ask why I wasn't wearing the lime green suit.  I honestly don't know if she really liked that suit or if she liked that it was a one-piece and not one of my scandalous tankinis.  I bought that lime green suit in the postpartum phase after Ethan and I wore it to Panama City when Ethan was a mere six weeks old.  Those are beach pics that should never see the light of day.  I pulled out that suit once this summer and wore it to the pool.  It was so saggy that I told myself I should really trash it...but back it went in my closet to see another day.  The sentimental attachment to that swimsuit is akin to the attachment that I have to a bottle of nail polish remover that was Nana's last ever bottle of nail polish remover.  It was hers in the nursing home and it has her name written on it.  My mother-in-law gave it to me, I'm sure thinking that I would use it, but I don't.  It sits patiently next to the bottle that I actually do use, and will continue to stay there--probably long after it's evaporated.  Nana was veeeeeeeery meticulous about her appearance and her nails were always neat and polished.  This is a part of her which I cannot let go.  Once, when she was in the hospital, I went with my nail polishes and let her pick the color she wanted me to paint.  She picked "Devil's Food."  Lindy's family will probably laugh out loud at reading that.  It was an interesting pick for Nana and, later on, I bought her her own bottle of "Devil's Food."  But, I digress.  Back to swimsuits.

I have my own "What Not To Wear" photo illustration that I snapped with my cell phone back in 2007 in Myrtle Beach, SC.  Before you think I'm completely insensitive and tacky you just have to know that this lady's picture was begging to be taken.  I did not catch the elderly woman's face in the pic and I will not show it here to further protect her identity, but it necessitates description.  It was a red tank suit.  For all of my male readers, that just means one piece suit.  But, it had wide shoulder straps and it was cut low and open in the back.  Underneath her blindingly red suit she was wearing an equally blindingly white support bra.  Ladies, you know, the 18-hour kind that are built to be sturdy and supportive and hold the girls in place.  I never saw the front of the suit, the back was really all I needed to see.  My elderly, or well-endowed, friends; if your swimsuit requires a support bra it's time to go shopping for a new swimsuit.  Enough said.

Probably my most interesting swimsuit shopping trip was a couple years ago before my friend, Jenn, and I went to St. Maarten--the tropical island in the West Indies.  Lindy was with me--and we were without the boys--and he insisted on seeing each suit I tried on.  Ladies, I don't recommend this AT ALL unless you've been married for many years and you have an amazing amount of trust in your husband.  My husband learned long ago how to phrase his critique so he doesn't end up with a black eye or a bawling, squalling wife but it's still a very intimidating endeavor.  The swimsuits that actually look decent have to be 10%, at best.  He also somehow convinced me to let him take pictures of me in the swimsuits with his iPhone.  Yes, I'm not yanking your chain on this one.  How he convinced me I do not know, but he's been charming me now for more than half my life, so I guess he said all the right words.  Believe it or not, it ended up being a good thing.  I purchased four suits, with the intention of returning the two that didn't cut the muster once I got them home; and he made the decision much easier for me.  When we got home he loaded the pics on his Mac and then photoshopped a tan on me.  I immediately knew which suits would be traveling with me to the island.  Good idea, honey, even if you did have an ulterior motive.

My most recent memorable swimsuit shopping experience was earlier this summer with my mother.  She was swimsuit shopping, I was maxi-dress and halter dress shopping for vacation.  I was in an adjacent fitting room and we stepped out to show each other our respective choices.  Keep in mind that my mother is 70ish and has lost quite a bit of weight the last couple years.  While I have some HOT old black and white pics of my mother in swimsuits when she was in high school and college, she's not 20ish anymore, she's 70ish.  I'm known for having a way with words in that I can spin anything around and turn it into something positive.  However, this was the quickest thing I could come up with in the heat of the moment, "Mom, every part that the swimsuit covers looks great."  Now, that's not necessarily the kind of encouraging comment that a mother is looking for from her daughter, or vice-versa, or a friend is looking for from a friend.  She made it abundantly clear that this was not the sort of feedback for which she was hoping.  Honest, Mom, you are still hot for 70ish, but that's the best I could come up with on short notice.  She ended up leaving with two suits and she was very cute and stylish on the beach in her swimsuits, sarongs, and multiple beach hats.

Earlier this summer a high school friend of mine posted on Facebook that she felt like she was underdressed, or in the minority, for not having any tattoos to sport with her swimsuit.  I also fit into that category and I will stay that way.  I have noticed that in certain areas of the country, tattoos are almost required attire.  Take Branson, MO for example.  Go to White Water and you'll feel naked without permanent markings on your body.  I am fickle enough with my hair that I can barely handle wearing the same style for more than two days in a row.  Having something painfully imprinted on my body that will remain forever?  Forget about it.

If you're looking for the fashion advice part of this post on swimsuits here it is:  Wear a suit that is suitable for your body type.  There is a suit out there for everyone, but not every suit is for you.  If you wore a bikini when you were in college it doesn't mean that you can pull off that look now.  Everyone has different taste, so I don't plan on telling anyone what kind of suit they should buy, but I advise you to try it on at home before taking the tags off.  Most stores will let you return swimsuits if you have a receipt and the tags still attached.

My husband's swimsuit advice would be, at least for me, "Don't wear a 'Mom' suit."  What's a Mom suit?  From what I can tell that is a suit that has a skirt and is in some sort of displeasing pattern.  I have skirted suits that he likes, and one in particular, that he abhors.  It's black with white polka dots, and also white with black polka dots, and I have three different tops that coordinate with one pair of bottoms.  I love this tankini suit, and he can't stand to see me in it.  So, we compromise, just as we do with other things in marriage.  We buy both Miracle Whip and mayonnaise because I can't stand Miracle Whip and he can't stand mayo.  We buy two different kinds of toothpaste because he has to have a "paste" and I prefer the "gel."  Likewise, I wear the suit when he's not around (and tell my friends and acquaintances who compliment the suit that my husband says it's my "Mom" suit); and I wear my other suits when he is around.  See?  Compromise.  We are having our cake and eating it too.  That's what marriage is all about.

The bottom line, pun intended, on Swimsuit Fashion is to wear a suit that suits you, and wear a suit that suits you and your husband when he's around.  You should be getting pretty good deals on swimsuits around this time of year, if they aren't picked through.  Technically, the best time to buy a swimsuit for the best selection and the best deal is around 4th of July.  Happy shopping and happy swimming...or lounging...or relaxing in the pool trying not to get your hair wet.  I'll be handing out compliments when I see a suit I like.