Rejoice in the Lord...Always.

The last ten days have been a test of patience and my ability to really put my money where my mouth is when it comes to trusting God.  After all, as my Dad says, "Talk is Cheap."  I had the wonderful opportunity to go to Oklahoma City this weekend with a fabulous group of ladies from my church.  We had an amazing time at the Women of Joy conference with 9000 other ladies and every little bit of the trip was good, with the exception of some telltale signs that something probably wasn't right with my pregnancy.  Nevertheless, I was determined to go on and be joyful no matter what and truly enjoy the time with new and old friends.  I had such a peace the whole weekend and reminded God several times that I was trusting Him.  I always have, why would I stop now?  There were moments of hilarity and moments where tears were shed while listening to the speakers.  On the last morning with Karen Kingsbury when she asked us to all hold hands while she read her children's book about cherishing all the "lasts" with your children, I said to my friends on either side, "This is the last time I'm crying on this trip."  I'm not much of a crier and I have to remind myself sometimes that a good cry can be very cleansing.  There were certainly more tears of laughter this weekend than sadness.  I wouldn't trade my experience this weekend for anything.  It prepared my heart for what was to come this morning.

I went for my scheduled ultrasound and had Lindy on my arm this time.  If you need some background as to why I was having an ultrasound, then you'll have to go back and read the previous post.  I needed Lindy's presence although we were pretty silent.  Neither one of us had words to say and we had both spent the last ten days being pretty cautious while trusting God.  As soon as the nurse started the ultrasound I had my answer...this baby was not meant to be.  I'm supposed to be nearly 11 weeks now and there was still no growth.  The baby was still at 5 1/2 weeks and now the sac was irregularly shaped.  I didn't shed a tear until the nurse left and I sat on Lindy's lap and had a bit of a cry.  We spoke with my doctor in his office and I told him I'm so warped that I was feeling bad for him for having to give bad news to us.  I know that sounds crazy, but when you work in hospice and you know how bad it feels to share bad news you end up having compassion for the person who has to share the news.  He's been my doctor for 15 years and he was very kind and sincere.  He gave me all the statistics and data that I thrive on--I'm "Statistics Barbie," after all.  I've opted at this point to see if I can complete this miscarriage naturally since this pregnancy was in such an early stage and, hopefully, avoid surgery.  I told my doctor that I feel bad for being sad because I have three healthy boys at home and many women suffer the pain of miscarriage after miscarriage without getting to hold that baby in their arms.  He still gave me permission to be sad.  I've allotted myself one day of sadness, then I'll pick myself up and move on.

I went back to work for a while after leaving the doctor and Lindy was really perplexed about this.  What he doesn't understand is that my co-workers are some of my closest peeps and they have experienced this with me and I knew they would be a great source of comfort.  I was right and I appreciate each one of them and all of their kind words.  Several of them had even prayed for me when they learned the news with which I was coming back to the office.

One of my biggest concerns when I thought of the possibility of losing this baby was telling my three boys that the little brother or sister they were praying for was not going to grow in their Mom's belly and come to live with us.  What I forgot is that they are our boys and they have their own sense of peace and the ability to trust God on their level.  Lindy was very helpful when it came to telling them.  He told Jac by himself, then Jac came to me and told me he knew.  I was tearful while talking to him and when I had expressed to him all that I wanted to say I asked him how he felt.  He said, "Well, I knew this factor was always a possibility."  I laughed and said back to him, "You are definitely my child, very matter-of-fact and analytical."  Ethan reacted within his own personality.  His way is to be completely silent and to search your eyes intently so that he knows how to gauge his reaction.  I told him that this did not mean there was anything at all wrong with his Mom and I would be OK.  I smiled and looked in his eyes with the peace that's been so overwhelming throughout this situation and all was right in his world.   He gave me a hug and went to play outside.  Gavin thought he was getting a present when I told him his Dad had something to tell him.  (Maybe we spoil our kids too much.  I doubt it).  Lindy explained to him what had happened and while his expression went from expectant to concerned to acceptance he immediately went to the only question that mattered to him, "Are you going to have another, different baby?"  It's too raw and too soon to even begin that decision-making process, so I told him we would have to wait and see.  In the meantime this baby is in heaven with GG (his great grandmother) and he will meet him or her one day.  He only asked me another seven times.

So, my concerns were all for naught.  Jesus really loves the children as I repeatedly mentioned in this post.  Thanks to all my friends who knew this was on my heart and prayed for me in this situation.

Earlier, before I knew there was a concern with this pregnancy I had mentioned that I would be publishing a post about my conversations with Gavin about his soon-to-come baby brother or sister.  I've decided to go ahead and share it with you as I probably will move on after this and not publish much about this going forward.  So, here you go....

This was a conversation with Gavin on the way home from Grammy's house. I was 7 weeks pregnant and the news was not common knowledge yet to our church or my co-workers. Gavin was privy to this sensitive information and was having some issues with keeping the secret. I had already caught him 3 times at church trying to tell different people but, fortunately, no one bought it coming from Gavin. It's quite a challenge for a 5-year-old to keep a secret such as this.



Gavin: I've been thinking about the baby's name again. (He had previously suggested Charlie for a girl and Brick for a boy). I think we should name the baby Selena Gomez if it's a girl, but we can change the Gomez to Carnett. I still think it should be Brick for a boy.

Me: Good suggestions, Gavin. We'll keep working on the name.

Gavin: When the baby gets here I'm going to hit it.

Me: Hit the baby? Why would you want to do that?

Gavin: Ethan said I should.

Me: Gavin, you can't listen to everything Ethan tells you to do. He was probably joking.

Gavin: Well, Ethan's the boss. (That's an unusual, and inaccurate, statement coming from Gavin).

Gavin: How did that baby get in your belly? Did you swallow it?

Me: Ummm...no. (Long pause while I'm thinking about this one. I handled this one before from a curious 5-year-old when I was pregnant with Jac). Well, Gavin, when Mommies and Daddies love each other very much they can make babies.

Gavin: Did you know I prayed for a baby brother or sister? I was sitting in the dining room when I was praying about it.

Me: No, I didn't know that. I guess God must have answered your prayer.

Gavin: Or Santa Claus...All I know is that this baby better be a girl. We've got enough boys around here.


A few days later after the discussion of how the baby got in my belly, it naturally led to the discussion of...how was this baby going to get out of my belly.  His guesses were my mouth or my bottom--the latter being a pretty good guess but not quite right.  Thankfully, Gavin was born via C-section so I told him that the doctor had cut him out of my belly.  That distracted him enough by leading him to all the questions about whether that hurt or not.  He didn't go back to any further thoughts on how that baby was going to get out.

I'll close this post by letting you know that God's timing is perfect in all things.  The awe-inspiring assurance of His perfect timing has been on my heart for a long time.  Even before all of this happened I had decided God's timing would be my chosen topic for when Lindy hands the pulpit over to me on Mother's Day.  God's going to give me the grace to share what He wants me to say on that special day, even with this experience so very fresh in my heart.  You're welcome to come if you live in the area and you don't have a church home.  More information can be found at www.myrestorationchurch.org.  That's right, this time I gave a plug for my church.  It's still my blog, I'll plug if I want to.  :)

My sincere appreciation to all of you who have commented on my blog, on Facebook, in person, via e-mail, text message, etc. and have given me words of love and encouragement.  You'll never know how much it has meant.

Love to all....