This Was NOT the Next Post That I Wanted to Write...

Not only did I not want to write about it, I didn't even want many people to know about it.  This was not something I desired my tens of readers to be privy to, but sometimes I have to look beyond what I want and remember the purpose behind my blog.  My purpose is not to portray this wonderful life without trials or challenges.  My purpose is to be real and transparent and encourage and uplift others while they are experiencing life's trials by sharing my own challenges and how God alone is meeting my needs.

Does it usually appear that everything is going my way?  Of course it does and that's not by accident.  I purposely choose to see the positive in everyone and everything, I am definitely a "glass half full" person and I approach everyone as if they have pure, and not ulterior, motives.  Maybe this makes me naive.  If it does, then I am naive.  I am content with this life of contentment, regardless of my circumstances.

Given all of that, it's still easier for me to write about things that are funny or memorable.  As a pastor's wife it's easy for me to portray this life of contentment--and it isn't an act.  I am truly blessed but it doesn't mean that I don't go through hard times too...it's just difficult for me to admit it.  This is going to be another transparent post, so I hope you'll stay with me and not move on to watching funny youtube videos.

My last post talked all about how I am pregnant with our fourth child.  Once the anxiety of telling everyone was over it was really sunshine and lollipops last week.  Then, I went Friday for what I imagined would be a routine ultrasound.  I was 9 weeks according to my calculations but my doctor wanted to verify my due date with an ultrasound since my cycles were irregular when I conceived.  So, I went in all nonchalant about it, by myself, at 8:00 in the morning and was thoroughly perplexed and concerned when I found out that my 9 week pregnancy appears to look like a 5 1/2 week pregnancy on the ultrasound.  That's a pretty big discrepancy and not something I've ever experienced before as I've only had 20 week ultrasounds up until this point.  The ultrasound nurse was pretty evasive about it, as expected, and told me that my doctor would look at the pictures and call me that afternoon.  She left me alone for a minute and when she came back I asked her if I should prepare myself for a possible miscarriage.  She told me that it was too soon to be concerned with that, especially if I wasn't having any cramping or other signs of a miscarriage.

When I got in my car I did the first thing that always comes natural to me when I don't know what else to do.  I started praying.  I told God what I was feeling and that I knew that He was the Creator of all things and He knew about this baby before the beginning of time.  He knew Lindy and I had prayed for His will in our lives and that we would continue to trust in Him no matter what.  I felt bad for Lindy because when I called him I was having a hard time putting it all in words and I was just sure he was thinking I was calling to tell him that we were having twins.  I am not, but it seems that even that would be better news rather than this reality.  We both called our mothers to fill them in and then I told my fellow nurses at work.  They are fabulous at always telling me exactly what I want to hear, I'm sure sometimes to my detriment, and they said that everything is going to be fine.  Nothing to worry about.  Still, it's easy to get caught up in fear, doubt, and worry; isn't it?

I hadn't planned on sharing this with many other people, but of course, when you are newly pregnant everyone asks about you, how you're doing, how far along you are, etc.  That "how far along are you" question has suddenly become a bit of a dilemma for me.  I almost feel myself wanting to put a "kind of" on the end of the sentence when I talk about being pregnant.  Of course you can't really be "kind of" pregnant, but when your baby is 3 1/2 weeks smaller than it should be at this point it kind of feels like you're kind of pregnant.  In the midst of these thoughts, I still had one feeling that overtook all the others...peace.  The kind of peace that only God can bring and that he promises His children if we only put our trust in Him.

Friday night as I was lying in bed going to sleep I was praying and felt God speak to me.  He said, "Do you trust in my Word?"  (The Bible).  I told him yes.  He asked me if I speak the Word over my body.  (I answered yes.  I do and I have for a long time.  Since I've been pregnant I've spoken the Word over our "bodies" and I speak against any sickness, disease, syndrome, or malformation that could come upon this baby.  I don't just pray it.  I speak it out).  God said to me that night, "Then, I am bound to honor my Word."  You see, the Bible isn't just a book.  It's the living, breathing Word of God and we can depend on His promises.  Hearing God give me that affirmation only made my peace abound all the more.

Saturday we went through our busy day as if nothing was unusual.  Sunday morning, even though Lindy never tells me what He's going to preach I was right on when I guessed what it might be.  He alluded to what we are going through but didn't come out and say it.  If you ever wonder if pastors are preaching to themselves sometimes, the answer to that is a resounding yes.  They also preach comfort and peace to their wives too.  He preached on one of my favorite passages of Scripture--Proverbs 3:1-6.  The part that struck me, of course, was verse 5 where it says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."  It's easy to trust Him when everything is going along swimmingly.  Not as easy when there are unanswered questions and cause for anxiety in our human, finite minds.  The part that really stood out to me though on Sunday morning was the second part of that verse, "...and lean not on your own understanding."  You see as a nurse I try to understand anything medical with my knowledge of the human body.  My understanding as a nurse of a 9 week ultrasound with a baby at the size he or she should be at 5 1/2 weeks tells me that the baby isn't growing properly or that the baby stopped growing 3 weeks ago and my body hasn't figured it out yet.  However, if I put my trust in the Lord and determine not to lean on my own understanding then I have to acknowledge that He is the Creator of all things and He is still in the miracle-working business.  He cares for every living thing, and yes, I believe a tiny little microscopic embryo is a living thing.  That passage goes on to say in verse 6, "in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."  I know that He is going to make our paths straight in this situation.  We love the Lord and Romans 8:28 promises that "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."  He's bound to honor His Word because He promised to and He keeps His promises.  Lindy didn't use that last verse.  That was a bonus from me.  If you are interested in hearing a sermon that will bring you peace and encouragement, then I suggest you go to www.myrestorationchurch.org and click on the podcast link.  Yesterday's sermon will be posted by tomorrow at noon.  Yes, that's a shameless plug for my husband and his fabulous sermonizing.  It's my blog, I'll plug if I want to.  :)  It's your choice how to spend the 45 minutes or so it would take to listen to it.

Now, of course you know that in the midst of this I did some googling to get other people's opinions about this situation even though I know God is still in control.  I've learned to throw out the bad and hold on to the good when it comes to looking things up on the internet.  Back in the day before the internet when I only had my enormous nursing textbooks I went to the doctor because I was always diagnosing myself with one thing or another when I was in nursing school.  He encouraged me to put away the textbooks and "Stop it!!!"  I know a lot of doctors and nurses who wish medical information wasn't so easily accessed via their patients' fingertips or by watching Dateline NBC.  Anyway, while googling, I found several people's experiences with this same dilemma and the babies turned out perfectly fine.  I threw out the ones that weren't as positive.  The one I liked the most was a girl who said she was nine weeks along when she had an ultrasound and the baby was the size she should be at 6 weeks--just an empty gestational sac.  They were alarmed as well, but she was proud to say that they just celebrated their "empty sac's" first birthday.  Fabulous!!

I don't know why we go through some things in life, but as long as I'm going through something like this I might as well be transparent and, hopefully, bring some peace or encouragement to someone else.  Trust me, it would have been much easier for me to just remain silent for the next week and then act as if there was never any concern.  If I were to admit to any fear beyond something wrong with the baby or the possibility of losing the baby, then it would be having to tell three little boys that the little brother or sister they are praying for is not to be.  They don't read my blog and they don't know anything about this.  If you would like to keep Lindy and me in prayer over the next week then we would appreciate that.  If you want to leave me a comment and tell me that everything is going to be OK, then I'm cool with that too.  I'm having a repeat ultrasound on Monday morning, the 18th, so I will be sure to share the good report at that time.

I pray this week is a week of peace, abundant blessing, and favor for you.

Love to all...